sweeden 0800 hours there was once a small mining company trying to make there way in the world littel did they know there mining site was built just obove an artifact that could change the world as we know it one day in the mine some one dug up that artifact it had strange inscriptons on it not from this world whonse the army found out they came and took it and made the workers sware to god they would not tell any one about it the army discoverd there was somthing living inside the stone they no longor wanted to keep the living peice of hell so they gave it to a hiding military storage facility not knowing its true powor one sientist wanted to use it as a super weapon against o salom ben laden evrybody thout that all those years of pressere finally went to his head his project finaly was completed he went to sellebrate will the scientest was gong another fellow scientests cureosity got the best of him when he looked at his plans he was shockod and reported him to the boss and the scientest was sent to the funny farm his final words where you damn fools the stone needs me it will kill you all when the men came to clean up his project when they took it out of its chamber the stone cracked black osse pourd out and then all hell broke loose you are in the snow army youve been having strange nigtmares all of them the same one day on your patrols you stumbld opon a hacth funny thin is you where almost drawn ther by some supernatural force you submerge into the unkown.ps sorry if i spelt anything wrong im only eleven years old
Great Stry for an eleven year old definatetly video game material!!!
Learn kid learn !! how to write correct sentences and try to use stuff like . , ".." properly. ;]
The story itself would be interesting if you would put more work into it. First thing, more details, more story itself. Now it reminds me of a quick preview, not a good one ;]
Well anyway, work hard, you'll get your 5 minutes of glory some day ;]
It's a horrible cliche`'d story, neverless the grammar and shitty spelling. I would call that the worlds's longest sentence, but it's more of some random words put together that actually makes, somewhat sense. But the story is utter crap. 0/10 (If even 0, maybe less)
Hi Jo,
Please ignore the idiot posting above me. I'm the writer on Penumbra Overture, and I think yours is a pretty decent effort for a young fella.
That said, the guys have got a point: you could really do with throwing in a bit of punctuation here and there, after all, you wouldn't write like that anywhere other than a forum, would you?
Keep it up, the industry is crying out for half decent writers at the moment. If you get your grammar sorted out a bit, one day you might be in with a chance.
Cheers,
TJ
Please ignore the idiot posting above me.
First you tell him to ignore me, than you tell him I have some points about periods and stuff?
GamGam2 instead of trying to make an idiot out of a young fella, try to help him out a bit. Utter crap ?? naah...Youre wrong...Each time i read it again, i find myself thinking that this would be a good story. More details, when you write don't hurry. Writing is not equal to high speed racing ;] its best when done slowly and with care.
Because if he never meets assholes like me, He'll be even worse. I'm helping by not helping.
ok stop the flaming allready :)
maybe intead of attacking each other you should give constructive (look as i lay attention on CONSTRUCTIVE) critisism
Jo291, I'll try to give you some usefull advice on writing a good story. I may not be the champ in this, but i have some experience since im an amateur and active fantasy writer ;P.
First and the most important thing. Don't hurry when you write. This is a slow process and it better be if you want to write something good. Punctuation is also important. By using it you can focus the reader on certain events, like sounds, fights, descriptions etc. There is also a trick which you can use. It's cool, and gives great effects. When the action starts, use short sentences, short descriptions. This will make it more dynamic. When it ends, use longer ones. Put in longer descriptions with more details. Give the reader a while to rest ;]
This is important becouse, when the main character will take a part in an action scene, he will be focused only on fight related stuff like his enemys. He will hear less, see less than he would in another situation. Gun fire for example, some faces, movement. Try to keep the description to be a brief one. When it ends, the main character will have more time to look around. So here we put more detailed descriptions.
What more can I write. Sometimes you find it difficult to write your story in a specific atmosphere. Why dont you help yourself with music ? Depending on what you want to write, use different styles. Fast action ?? Gun fight ?? death metal worked for me best :P Something bleak, scary ? use the Penumbra Tech Demo music, it's great to work with ;]
One last thing. Keep in mind that we have various senses. Don't forget about them. Good story writer involves all of them in his work. You'r characters feel, hear, see, taste etc. Try to describe it. Keep in mind that they will also react to it.
And the really one last thing. Write descriptions in souch a way, to leave some room for the readers imagination.
Thats all i have to say for now ;]
As for the Story idea. I found it interesting though the punctuation makes it difficult to read. Mysterious stones, army involved, creatures of unknown orygin and mad scientist. What i liked about it is that usually, a story goes from A point to B point and you can forsee the next step. Your's is written in such a way, that dosn't give any idea of what will happen next. I can feel the mystery on my own skin :D Give that mysterious stone a chance. Mabey it could do something wired, unnatural, affect people, events etc.
It's a good idea, but badly written. I suggest that you rewrite it in a proper way, using tips above and some of your onw previous experiences. I hope you'll do so, im curious what happened after "sumberging into unknow" :)
Ps. And i hope you'll find my reply usefull ;]
Cheers