My Novel Translation Test

[OriginalUsername]

Oh really? Well, it isn't clear how old he is. His behaviour and the man calling him 'kid' makes it seem like he is young. You should try to make him a bit mature or make it obvious he is childish. It will clear up some confusion.
Again, I'm not an expert, I'm just a vivid reader giving some tips. The first page isn't terrible. Or at least not as bad as you think. I'ts (I think) your first novel so it doesn't have to be top notch. Just keep writing and practicing and you'll get better.