Nostalgic

[Froge]

I grew up in the city of Toronto, then moved away for almost a decade.

I'm working back in Toronto this summer. I visited my old primary school and the park beside it, where a lot of my nostalgic happiness is concentrated. It's strange to be flooded by sights which are familiar and at the same time unfamiliar. Of course things change over time, but I was surprised at how distanced I felt from everything. The place conjured up fond memories, but I found my whole experience to be rather nonchalant.

A lot of people claim childhood to be the happiest time of their lives. For a period of time I questioned this. I remember a lot of boredom in my primary years and a lot of uncontrollable angst. At least now I know what makes me happy and what I want to do with my life. So, for a while I thought nostalgic happiness was just an illusion. I'm not so sure about that anymore. There must have certainly been some factors that made childhood happier.

For me, the main thing might be self-belief. I've developed a lot of anxieties over the years as I struggle to cope with uncertainty. These anxieties are mostly questions like "can I get a fulfilling job? Will I be able to find a significant other?" When I was younger I never thought about these things and thought that doing well in school and having fun was all that mattered.

In my younger years, I also had a lot of mundane obsessions. An example was beating a game in a certain way. Whenever boredom overtook me, I would just think about that obsession, and I'd feel better. I no longer have these obsessions anymore, as I realized a couple of years ago how meaningless they were. But that might have accelerated my anxieties a bit more as now I have nothing to be obsessed about.

So the reason for my nonchalance in revisiting my primary school might be because I know myself and the world better now. I don't want to go back to the naive haze of childhood, where everything felt so clear and easy, even at the cost of increased happiness.

Well, that's my explanation for why I think childhood feels happier. What are your thoughts?